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Nothing can escalate arguments, disagreements, or random acts of unfortunate circumstances quite like our protective firefighters - the parts of our systems that swoop in and take control of heightened situations. Imagine that confused and then surge of anger when someone cuts in front of you at Target. Or the moment you get THAT look from your partner and you suddenly feel small, and then out of nowhere you start thinking "what's his problem now? I'm sure he's expecting me to baby him later to soothe him. To hell with him, I'm done with his victim mentality!" These parts can be like emotional firefighters, rushing in to extinguish the flames of intense emotions or traumatic memories. Luckily, with Self-Leadership we have the tools to help soothe these protectors in real-time and facilitate communication and healing.
Within Self-Leadership, we all have many internal parts each with its unique role and intention. Firefighter protector parts are a subset of these, and they emerge to prevent us from feeling overwhelmed by painful emotions or traumatic memories. They can manifest as addictive behaviors, impulsive actions, or other coping mechanisms such as anger, shut down, or even self-harm. These can be intense and overt or they can be covert and inhibitive.
The most important facet of firefighters is that they are ultimately protective of us. While their activity is often hurtful to others or ourselves, the central message of their functionality is to help control and stem deeper emotional surges like shame, worthlessness, or feelings of being abandoned or forgotten. Remembering their positive intent is a must in changing the internal triggers that spur their emergence.
Here are some tools to use in the heat of the moment when firefighters rear their heads and start to take over to protect us:
Become Aware that a Firefighter is Triggered: Begin with awareness of when you lose your centeredness. When you feel the pull of a firefighter (overt like anger, rage, or control; or covert/subtle such as distracting with music/tv/books, shutting down/numbing), remind yourself of what is happening; let yourself feel the pull of the emotion or behavior and realize it is taking you out of your centered Self. I'm feeling overwhelmed and now I'm wanting to lash out at my kids to get them to do their chores. Controlling them right now would make my overwhelmed feeling subside. I'm noticing all of that.
Acknowledge and Validate: Next, intently acknowledge, to the firefighter itself, the positive intentions of what it's trying to do; understand that firefighters emerge and come to our rescue with the intention to protect and shield the system from harm. Validating their efforts creates a safe space for dialogue, acknowledges their importance, and creates space for them to consider their activity may be too intense. As I connect with my firefighter, this part of me that wants to lash out at the kids, I'm telling it that I understand it's trying to protect me from feeling overwhelmed. I'm thanking it for protecting me, and at the same time I'm wondering if there is maybe another way it can help that would be better than lashing out.
Connect with the Self: Self-Leadership teaches us the importance of connecting with the Self, the core of unburdened wisdom within us. Accessing our centered Self provides stability and guidance when working with protector parts. As I acknowledge and validate this strong 'lash out' protective part I feel in my face and hands, I'm asking it to separate enough from me so we can talk. Now I feel more solid and calm. I even appreciate this 'lash out' part a bit more now, too.
Engage in Dialogue: By listening to what the protector is trying to achieve and addressing any fears or concerns, you can soothe this part and facilitate a shift towards harmony. This is a great time to ask about the protective part and what it wants for you. What is it most afraid of if it doesn't protect you in this way? Be curious with it and get to know it better; form a relationship with this part of you. I'm feeling curious, what are you afraid of happening to me if I remain feeling overwhelmed? I'm getting the nudge that I'll lose all control and be used, like what happened to my mother. I'm feeling gratitude for this part, and I also am feeling sad that it's so worried about me. I am asking it if it could take it easy since I am nowhere near where my mother was at this time in my life.
Unburden and Transform: Guide the firefighter protector parts to unburden from the status quo. This may involve exploring the underlying traumas or emotions that these parts are guarding. As these parts release their burdens, they can transform into more constructive roles within the internal system; ask or offer different ways of doing life together. I'm not in the same condition or position as my mother; we don't have to be worried about that. I can take care of motivating the kids to do their chores without reverting to controlling and harsh methods. Let's work on motivating and encouraging the kids to obtain a strong work ethic as a value rather than from fear. I'll also start helping this overwhelmed part of me not feel so intense by sitting with and helping it rest, too. I can take care of both of you as well as the kids.
Self-Led Healing: Empower yourself and take a Self-led approach to soothe firefighter protector parts. By accessing Self, guide these protectors towards more adaptive responses, ultimately promoting inner harmony.
Working with firefighter protector parts in real-time requires awareness, patience, and compassion. Self-leadership plays a vital role in facilitating this process, creating a space where we can navigate our inner worlds with compassion and self-awareness. Soothing these parts in real-time allows our parts to experience profound transformation. Accessing our Self, the core of wisdom, allows us to harmonize our internal system. In doing so, we move closer to a state of self-led healing, achieving a greater sense of balance and emotional well-being.
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