Self-Led Discussions with Your Partner

As a therapist who has embraced the Self-Leadership model both professionally and personally, I've discovered the transformative power it holds not only in individual therapy but also in strengthening relationships, especially within the context of marital discussions. Here's a therapist's guide on how to have a self-led discussion with your spouse using IFS principles:

1. The Self as Your Compass: In IFS, the Self represents our core, unburdened essence. As you prepare for a self-led discussion with your spouse, start by connecting with your Self. Ground yourself in this calm, compassionate center to guide the conversation. Richard Schwartz calls this process a You-Turn, and is the crux of healthy, calm, productiverelational interactions.

2. Acknowledge Your Parts: Recognize that you carry various parts within you, each with its unique voice and perspective. This awareness is crucial as you approach your spouse, as it reminds you that both of you are made up of these intricate internal systems. Speaking for rather than from your parts and providing your partner the distinction can be very beneficial to open communication. For example, listen to this two statements - which would be the most beneficial in a discussion with your partner? (1) I can't stand it when you make me feel so unimportant when we're around your friends! (2) As I consider tonight, I'm aware of two things, I really do love seeing you shine around your friends, and then there's another part of me that gets intense when I feel you focus all of that energy onto others; it makes me feel left out. Statement 1 is approached from the person's part. Statement 2 is from Self speaking for parts.

3. Active Listening: Approach the discussion with an open heart and an attentive ear. Actively listen to your spouse's words and the emotions underlying them. Just as in therapy, empathetic listening fosters understanding and connection. Involved in this, partners can ask questions, clarify points of view, and seek to deeply understand each other.

4. Explore Your Reactions: When your spouse's words trigger strong reactions within you, pause. Take a moment to explore which parts are being activated (the You-Turn). Are there protective parts, perhaps from past experiences, that are influencing your responses? By recognizing these, honoring the perspective of the part, and differentiating/remaining in your authentic Self, you can respond more consciously. Finding protective parts is somewhat easy, while finding the origin may price difficult at first. For example, recognizing anger, irritability, anxiety, embarrassment is pretty easy and then we bring awareness and knowledge that these reactionary parts of us are present; is when we take the time and expend the energy at discovering where/when these reactionary parts were originally triggered and became a part of our protective sequence. Again, thus is the place where speaking for your parts and from your centered Self is possible.

5. Empathetic Dialogue: Engage in a dialogue that is free from judgment and blame. Approach your spouse's parts with empathy and understanding. Ask questions that help both of you uncover the underlying emotions and intentions. That makes sense your part was angry and upset at me - I was being demanding because I was feeling insecure, and this demanding part of me needed to regain control quickly; I'm feeling understanding toward that part of you and in your eyes I'm seeing your care for this demanding part of me.

6. Self-Leadership: As you navigate the discussion, remember that self-led does not mean one-sided. It means that the Self, the core of wisdom within you, is guiding the conversation. Encourage your spouse to do the same. This self-leadership approach ensures that the dialogue remains balanced and focused on harmony.

7. Resolution and Integration: Work together to find resolutions and integrate the insights gained during the discussion. This may involve making agreements, understanding each other's needs better, and finding common ground. I'm going to start being more aware of my sequence in these situations where I'm susceptible to feeling left out so I can comfort this part of me which may allow me to interject more into the group; I'm also wondering if you can know allow a sensitivity to this happening for me and try a little bit harder to include me in conversing with our friends?

Having self-led discussions with your spouse can significantly improve the quality of your communication and the overall health of your relationship. The Self-Led inspired approach fosters deeper understanding, empathy, and mutual growth, making space for the loving connection that you both deserve.

As a therapist who has witnessed the power of Self-Leadership in healing and personal growth, I encourage you to bring these principles into your relationship, creating a more harmonious and fulfilling connection with your spouse.

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